I find myself thinking a lot about a woman's instinct. I've spent the last few years feeling like I had none. Now that I think about it, I don't think I'm in the minority for a new mom. I have wonderful women surrounding me, some a decade younger and they are so together. Experimenting with recipe's and crafts, and cleaning products and finding time to serve and love their neighbors and take meals and watch other's children. I have felt overwhelmed with cleaning schedules, and getting into a rotation, cooking healthy meals, cooking at ALL, what do I teach them at this age and that age, what should they know by now, did I lose my temper or hurt them emotionally by being frazzled at a moment, looking at myself so critically because I can see things in them that I know came from my own shortcomings, so I need to fix it and NOW but that makes item number 2,000 to change right NOW.
Talking with my wonderful sister-in-law tonight, I realize we all must think that we lack a certain part or another of womanly instinct, something maybe we thought should come naturally to every woman but we just don't know how yet, or our natural man takes over in the moment and we fall short.
But then I watch my sweet Livy. She is a natural mommy at 2.5 years old. She will put a dish in the sink, just because it was out of place to her, she runs to noah to kiss him if he falls, even though a hug from noah almost always ends in her feelings getting hurt because he didnt want a 10 minute cuddle. She is going to be an amazing mom. Now I realize she is hear to teach me. Its okay that I make mistakes with her, and don't have perfect patience and perfect meals and a perfect cleaning schedule. But I'm going to keep trying. And I'm going to make sure she sees me trying harder each time I fail. I want her to see that its okay to fail. thats why we are hear. I am here to LEARN to be a perfect woman far off into the eternities, I'm not here because I was already there and I just needed to prove it. Sometimes I think referring to this life as a "test" is a little misleading. You learn and study and know everything you need to know, then take a TEST to prove you know it all. While we are hear to prove we will choose him, I'm here to learn HOW to be that perfect mom, and the most important thing my darlings NEED to know, is how to fail, and learn from it with gratitude, instead of despairing and losing hope, letting that renew their faith and joy that we CAN fail, and be better.
I think we spend way too much time wondering what every other mom thinks of our parenting, or our home or how we spend our time. Women have such a wonderful unique gift to love. That comes in part because of an over-sensitivity to anothers feelings. THAT creates a sensitivity within ourselves, to what another might think of US. We react in so many different ways, anger, bitterness, jealousy and depression. Isn't it clever of the adversary?He always plays on the part of us with the most god-like eternal potential. I hope I can always cut short that insecure thought that creeps in, and never let it make me turn on my earthly sisters in jealousy or resentment. I hope I can pass on to livy somehow an instinct to love, and to turn a thought of, "what does she think about me, into what does she think about herself, and how can I help her feel loved."
I am so thankful to be a woman, every single day. I am so thankful for the gospel and the security I feel knowing I'm a daughter of God, and my savior made it possible for me to be like him and my heavenly mother. I hope I can make her proud.
